If you follow(ed) the blog at all, first of all thank you, second, you may have noticed i have not posted since April and my last post was about my most recent miscarriage and Kaden losing his job. I am sorry i left you all hanging. After writing what was supposed to be an inspiring message of how well i could handle hard things i came to face the hard truth that usually that just was not so. Just like after my other pregnancies i experienced ppd. Its a real thing and it is a lot more regular than most people realize but i wanted to ignore it. I basically hid under a rock for a couple of months and when i did actually leave the house i did so overly smiling and happy and in such a way that as soon as i climbed back under my rock…i just cried.
Kaden was offered an amazing new job from an engineering firm in Cedar City. What a blessing! I don't even know how to put into words the gratitude i feel towards this company and what they have not only given Kaden but all of us. What do i mean by that? Well, Kaden is on a project based in San Jose, CA. We haven't quite packed up and moved we are more of living a double life between two houses but for now it is working quite nicely. It has always been our dream to get out of Cedar City for a bit, live in a real city, mostly San Francisco but we are so dang close we can spend our days there when we want to.
How did i go from crying over smiling too big to being able to bounce back and forth? I realized i had the greatest gift the Lord could have ever given me at my finger tips. I just needed to use it. As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I believe that Jesus Christ bled from every pore in the Garden of Gethsemanie and hung from the cross so that i can be forgiven for my sins. This is called the atonement. The atonement is so much more than Christ baring our burdens of sin though, it is him helping us through all of our mortal pain and sorrow no matter how it is caused. I was not able to find happiness within my heart on my own, i had a lot of help, a lot of blessings, and spent a lot of my time praying and pondering if i could be healed from this. Every single day that passed i found more joy and could clearly define each blessing that was in my life until i knew The Lord had taken that hurt from me.
Of course i have times when i think, "i could be posting a bump photo," I could be getting a nursery ready or preparing myself for my own little one to hold. I get sad, but i don't feel angry, or frustrated or lost. I feel happy to know i am blessed with an amazing life. I have a husband who loves and supports me, two daughters who are crazier than i know how to handle but i wouldn't change their spirits for anything. We have a huge extended family and so many friends that i love and adore. We are blessed with a home and the opportunity to travel, so many, many wonderful things.
Now that i have taken the leap and wrote and posted my first post back, i hope this will be one of many. I have truly missed writing and sharing my thoughts and our lives.
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
I like listening to NPR while i am driving around town. Anyone else do this? Leighton thinks its really boring so i only get to turn it on while she is sleeping. Lucky for me she does sleep in the car. Anyways on our way home from Zion i heard a little blurp about why spring makes people happy. I thought "well duh winter is finally over." You especially feel that way if you live in a dark, cold, grey, kind of stale place like we do. The second the birds start tweeting and the sun starts shining people crawl out of their
holes homes and spend time outside. It helps that winter has come and gone but apparently there is much more to it than that. Supposedly this time of year actually allows your body to release more endorphins than any other time of year. If you have ever watched Legally Blonde then you know what endorphins do. They make you happy! They also help you to feel the chemicals that are "love" and make you want to have others feel that way too.
Interesting huh? I thought so. I totally feel more in love lately. In love with being productive and creative. In love with my girls and my husband. In love with decorating our home and buying new shoes. You know all the good things to be in love with. So for reals. Love is in the air and you should totally take advantage of it. What fun things do you have planned for spring? Or what traditions do you have with your littles around this time of year?
One of my favorite things to do with the girls is get in as many hikes as possible. The weather is beautiful and the crowds aren't to crazy yet. My all time favorite place to visit? Zion National Park and guess what its basically in my backyard only a little over an hour away and a perfect little day trip.
Monday, April 20, 2015
Its 2 in the AM and the house is finally silent. Honestly i don't know how much quiet time i have had for the past few weeks. Having your husband home 24/7 may sound like a good idea but it is not the dream i thought it would be. Don't get me wrong i love my hubby. I just also love my own routine and my way of doing thing things. Kaden is going a little stir crazy around here. Last week he sent me into a full on panic attack when he dumped the kitchen drawers out and started reorganizing. Either he needs a job soon or i need some anxiety meds. With Kaden not working i have been stressing to work more. I found myself constantly posting items and trying to book parties. Needless to say even if Emersyn hadn't been cutting 8 teeth at once this last week was exhausting.
The hustle is not what its about. Not all of the time anyways. Yesterday Kaden cuddled with me and finally cried. I think i cried for everything. For how hard i work, for that baby i want, for the things that scare me with our children, for long days and short nights and for no time to breathe and realize where we are heading in life. Once i got it all out i felt renewed. Sometimes just getting it out is all we need. I really think it is all i needed. Here is to a new week and a new way of looking at life. Today i woke up feeling energized and ready for a new start. I became organized and i am going to schedule myself lots of "me" time and time with to spend with the girls and Kaden. No matter how broke we are work comes third. God, family, everything else. Is that how it goes? Something to that effect anyways.
Monday, April 13, 2015
Sunday, April 5th
Wednesday. April 1st I texted Kaden to see how his morning was going. His reply… I got laid off. Although it was April fools, he wasn't kidding. I was almost relieved when Kaden got home. We are completely broke, like completely, but i have been so happy to have Kaden home with us. This may be one of the biggest trials we will have but also one of the biggest blessings. Kaden is no longer in limbo and has so many options in front of him. We will see what happens from here and we will get really good at living super frugally. Honestly, i know we can make it through this trial and that we will be better off financially after its all said and done.
Thursday i went to piyo. I was so happy to be out of the house and feeling normal and treating my body like it is normal and capable. It oddly enough almost felt like a spiritual experience as i focused on my breathing and movements i felt great, i also felt every pain in my back and stomach and every drop of blood coming out of me, i know thats a little visual. But it brought so many feelings to the surface. It is so much easier for me to say that i feel fine. I want to be fine. I want to move on and be okay.
Can you just move on? No i don't think so. On Thursday i realized what week it was and that 4 years ago this same week i lost my first baby. I have been pregnant 4 times now. 2 pregnancy were amazing and healthy and perfect. I ran every single day, i never had any complications. The other 2? I lost my babies. The first at 6 weeks, the second at 8. How does that happen? Why does that happen? Why should i have 4 children and i have 2? Why is there not an answer to my whys?
Ive made the mistake of reading other miscarriage stories. I don't know if they bring up more feelings i don't want to feel yet or if they are comforting. I feel such a strong form of sorrow and a great amount of happiness all at the same time. I love my two baby girls so much. I grieve for the 2 babies i have yet to know but i do know i will one day have the same loving relationship with them as i do Leighton and Emersyn.
Right now i pray that our spirit babies will watch over their sisters and guide them and be with them. That when they meet someday they will already love each other. I pray that what i feel for them in my heart won't be loss but love for the tiny life they did have if even just for a moment.
Sunday, April 12th
Now it has almost been two weeks and i honestly do feel great. We spent the past week in the valley. It was one of the neatest trips back since we moved away 5 years ago. I went and did things with the girls that i have been excited about doing with them for a long time. They may sound so simple, but they were just what we needed. We went to inside scoop and at ice cream outside in the beautiful weather. We drove out to red rock, played in the sand and climbed a ton of rocks. We swam in the res and played o
n the beach in the mud. Of course we also went to the fair. We didn't spend a ton of time up there but a couple hours each day, ate the fair food, took Leighton on the carnival rides and saw all of the farm animals. Leighton loves the animals so much. I loved watching her with them. I about died at one point we were in the small animal barn and i was trying to get her to leave, when i turned around she had her arm around a goats neck and was just leaning there next to him like they were good old friends and the goat didn't even care. If we ever have a house with a yard we are totally getting a goat.
Kaden came down for Friday and Saturday and we enjoyed our time together. It is so strange but we honestly feel so comfortable with everything right now. We should probably be more worried about money but we aren't. We feel like everything is going to work out and our biggest decision right now is just to decide where it is we are supposed to be. Kaden can find work almost everywhere but what kind of work and what kind of life would it provide for us. One thing that spending time in the valley really showed us is that we want to spend time together, we want to be surrounded by friends and family and friendly people who genuinely care when they ask you how your doing.
Speaking of people who care…When i posted last week about my miscarriage i had no idea the response that i would receive from it. I honestly posted just for myself. Because it was comforting to write and to put out into the universe. I had no idea so many of you would read it and respond to it and ask how i was doing. If i never wrote you back i am sorry. I really did appreciate every single thought, prayer, hug or kind word that came my way. I was overwhelmed by it all and a little in shock. I remember looking at the blog in the morning and couldn't believe that post alone had 500 views. By the afternoon that had doubled.
Loss and hard times are sometimes kind of like a train wreck, you can't help want to know what happened. I hope that if you are following because of our situation that you can find peace within it or hope for yourself and wherever you find yourself in life.
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
Today I woke up. Leighton climbed in my bed and we said our prayers together. It felt so sweet and perfect. I felt so calm and the spirit so strong. I rolled over and texted Jess about the gym and then calmly asked Leighton a few times to go play with Emersyn until i got her out of her crib. I was thinking soon there will be three of them. It will be like this forever. I walked into the bathroom, slightly saw the toilet water thought wow i must have a UTI and i didn't even know. I need to drink way more water today. Then i wiped. Then i wiped again. Then it hit me. "I did not have a UTI. My tests came back positive though, I just had an ultrasound yesterday, and my blood levels were going up. Oh no, this is why Dr. Polson seemed hesitant. This is why i had the tests in the first place. I am losing my baby." No one but Kaden even knows i am pregnant. Am i sad? Can i handle this? We just got excited about the idea of another child. We have been looking at new cars. I bought a little boy outfit. Wait maybe I'm not miscarrying. Maybe something else is happening. I don't feel anything. Maybe i am just numb.
I made the girls breakfast, sat on the couch and the tears began to roll down my cheeks. I am sad. I really am. I wanted to have a baby. I was excited, i thought we were meant to. Another miracle, unplanned baby to bless our lives. Leighton started telling me to not be sad. She whipped my tears and told me stuff was coming out of my eyes. She was so sweet and so sincere. Emersyn came and gave me a hug and I was reminded how truly blessed i really am. Really. Leighton and Emersyn are more than i could ever ask for. I want to be happy, i want to feel like i understand, but i don't. All i know is that this is the Lord's plan and that is not always easy to hear.
All day I just wanted Kaden to come home and hold me. To tell me it will all be alright. That he loves me and that we will have another child when we are meant to. Kaden was sweet but we all handle things in our own way and he shuts himself away when anything bothers him.
Leighton laid down on the couch with me tonight and said "your happy now? no more sad face like this, and closed her eyes and made a crying face. you be happy like this and made her happy face." I love her happy face. I love her sweet spirit and i love her understanding of what it is i need right now.
I am sad. I am confused. I'm in a little bit of pain but mostly i am numb. I just want to cry and i just want the opportunity to have this baby in my belly. I made the mistake of looking at pictures of 8 week old babies. Yes, they look like tiny aliens, but i really want one. I really wish i had an ultrasound picture. I wish i had anything to hold on to that would make this pain in my heart feel more tangible. Like for a few short weeks i was really growing a baby. That when my hair starts falling out or my hormones are a little crazy that i have something to look at or hold onto and know there was a reason.
I write this not for pity, we didn't tell anyone i was pregnant and partly for this reason. I write this so our very very young soul can be remembered. So we are not the only two who know he existed. I write this because i want other moms or moms to be to know they are not alone in their pain. That it is hard. That losing a life no matter how old is not easy. No matter how common, miscarriages are still real and still sad and still painful. Creating a child is absolutely the biggest miracle ever and truly an act of God. Knowing that someday in another life this sweet baby of ours will be mine makes it a little easier but only a little. I am so thankful for the knowledge i have that one day my family will be together again. Lost babies included.
Sunday, April 5, 2015
This past month has been so crazy. I honestly feel like i have been spinning and circles for so long i am finally standing still and can't seem to see straight yet. You that feeling? That one you get when you swing your kids around for a little too long or played the spin till you fall game when you were little. Yes, that is the feeling i am speaking of. I tried so hard to be successful this month. To makes a little extra money and to get us a little more towards our financial goals. Guess what, we are well on our way to some financial success. By that i mean being out of debt and building a savings so we can plan on building a new home sometime in the near future. Working really was not something i intended on doing this year. We were fine with getting by and spending time together, but this job has been the biggest blessing! Selling LuLaRoe is honestly changing our lives.
The downside to that change was how often i wasn't home during the month of march. I ate out so much i honestly gained 8 pounds. I think i could cry just over that. Now that Ive realized i don't want to spin anymore and i want to be able to see straight i am going to plan a few less parties and manage my time a little better. This means making time for the blog again too. Basically i absolutely love writing here and keeping everyone up to date on our lives. I have a few catch up posts i need to make. For now here are the highlights of March!
Leighton turned 3!!!
What?!?!? How did that happen? How in the world do i have a threenager already? She is so fun, upbeat, feisty, beautiful and smart! I can not get over how quickly she is growing up. Ready or not soon she will be off to college (don't worry we still need to start preschool)
We took two trips up north
The girls and i spent a week throwing parties and living out of a hotel room. We spent most of our free time with Aunt Hannah, shopping at Ikea and playing at chic fil a with Jess and the boys. The second time i went up just Emersyn and I went. It was a shorter trip so Leighton got to stay home and play with grandma for a few days. She loved it! She actually told me to go home when i went to pick her up.
We stayed with Grandma and Grandpa a few times.
It is funny how just we used to visit the valley so often that i was sick of it. Now we are almost never there so it feels so nice when we go back. So nice we even consider moving back sometimes… then reality sits in and we think…better not. The girls sure love all the attention they get from Grandma, Gramdpa and Kake Kake.
Sunday, March 8, 2015
Really does every single woman do this to themselves? I think so. Since I began selling LuLaRoe i have thrown quite a few pop-up boutiques and at every single one of them i find myself amazed by the beauty of every single woman i visit with. Really one reason i love this company is because it somehow has made a product that is comfortable and flattering on everyone. When someone comes in and I say "oh actually you probably wear a medium or even a small" they look at me like i am crazy. Sometimes it takes a lot of convincing to get them to try on a dress with a waist or shirt with tight sleeves. Most of their reactions to my compliments are skepticism and doubt. Then they look in the mirror, usually pleasantly surprised but still with the comments of self criticism. I hear things like, "i need to lose weight, once i didn't have this butt, my arms are the worst part of my body."Still happy with their clothes, but clearly not with their bodies.
Why? Why do we do this to ourselves. Why do we all feel so bad about our bodies instead of loving them. Our bodies are pretty amazing. No matter what size we are, what shape we are, there is something each of us would love to change. I'm the first to admit that. I want bigger boobs, always have, always will. Actually i just want them to both be the same size right now but guess what nursing is what made them the way they are and nursing my baby girls has been one of the sweetest experiences of my life. Chances are whatever has made your body into the shape it is in now was something similar. Something worthwhile. Having children, begin a mother, putting others first, hustling to support yourself, your family or just trying get through school. Not everyone has time to spend hours at the gym or the ability to eat the way it takes to be as healthy as we'd all love to be.
Women, don't be so hard on yourself. Be appreciative of what you have. You are beautiful! Really i am not just saying that. You are unique and something about you, if not everything about you is absolutely amazing. Own your look, rock it and know that no matter what you are gorgeous. You probably have amazing hair, sparkling eyes and a smile that once broke someones heart and probably still does. Guess what? curves are in. So is being a size 2. Basically being any size is the right size. Look in the mirror, what do you see? Every time a negative thought enters your mind replace it with two positives. Do this everyday and soon you really will know just how absolutely beautiful you are.